Mental Pause

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Life as a Caregiver

I am a caregiver to my step-mother-in-law - she resides with me, is 85 and has dementia. I also care for my Dad who still lives in his own home. He will be 89 in June and has glaucoma, major heart disease, spinal stenosis, several pins in his knee due to an auto accident - in other words a litany of miscellaneous aches and pains. He "Did the Right Thing" and invited his 84 year old homeless brother to move in with him! Now keep in mind that his little brother burned down a house while attempting to cook and chat with a neighbor in the yard at the same time - hmmmm?? I'm an overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, angry, depressed, isolated, miserable, sorry ass BITCH to be around!!! I don't mean to be - but I am. I know that I am doing "THE RIGHT THING", however, it is the most demanding and difficult challenge I have experienced to date.

What are the positives? Well, I am spending the "end times" with my Father and there is a lot to be said for that. I've gotten to know him in a way that most of my siblings don't. I know his every weakness, strength, and memory from his past. Just to look at his face I know how he feels and what mood he is in. I understand his fears and his need for friendship and socializing. He is human and alive - those needs never stop - in fact, if anything they seem to be personified for him - much like the needs of a teenager wanting to be part of the in-crowd. I feel a special closeness to him which seems totally alien to the part of me that resents the demands he puts on my life. I always fussed over the fact that I barely knew my Dad - I can't say that now. I hope he takes pleasure in getting to know me better.

My uncle was my favorite on my Dad's side of the family. He was in the navy and he always came bearing gifts from his worldly travels when we were little children, I still have a beautiful necklace and bracelet that he gave to me and my older sister. I also have fond memories of the "Chinese" silk pj's he gave us. Arlene and I didn't waste any time christening them when we wet the bed while wearing them! He is in frail health and has an extremely poor memory. He gets confused very easily which makes him shake and twiddle his fingers nervously not having any idea how to respond to questions, etc.. He is ever the gentleman to my mother-in-law which I'm positive she enjoys as she actually lights up at his kindness. He laughs easily and loves to be hugged. He also will willingly "help" me cook or clean. He drives me crazy but it is clear that his children have abandoned him and I won't do the same.

Emily doesn't have any children and only has a second cousin left living....so it is either a nursing home or our home. I foolishly thought she would get better after she came to live with us. She had broken her hip and it has been down hill from there. The dementia is probably close to the last number on any scale - she is beginning to eat with her fingers like a 2yr old. It is sad. I always liked her - she didn't have to accept Randy and I into her life (that is another story) but she has always been kind and loving to us. She IS the grandmother to my children and has always shown them love,kindness and respect. It is now our turn to do the same for her even more than before her dementia. Of course she has become the brunt of our jokes - it is a long, well tended family coping mechanism we have cultivated - guess I'll be the brunt of these jokes when I'm her age - oh well - if it helps my girls - that is okay - better that than drugs and drink. (And I should know, I have the drugs and try to avoid the drink because I want to keep the drugs!).

Ok - the details of my life as it is now - I manage prescriptions, doctor's appointments, diets, checkbooks, bowel movements, dental issues, haircuts, gift shopping, birthday reminders, household chores, pet demands, grocery shopping, cooking low-salt meals, moral (theirs not mine), laundry, yard work, car issues, returning all junk ordered, stamp purchasing -- well you get the idea. I also must do these things for myself and by the time I get to me I'm just not interested. Does this qualify me for a "Managers" position in the working world?? I will tell you have all of this has changed me at a later date.

link | posted by BootyJC at 4:13 PM

3 Comments:

Erin had this to say:: You ar an excellent mother and daughter. Hell, You a saint, Mom. I just look forward to having the old you back. But remember, Shelly and I would do all of this for you and Dad in a heart beat. We love you Mom, don't ever forget that.; January 18, 2007 at 7:46 AM
Anonymous had this to say:: Mom, I believe that you have secured your spot in heaven. I am waiting very excitedly to have my old mom and dad back. Just remember that one day it will be me in your shoes. xoxoxoxo; January 18, 2007 at 1:44 PM
soapbox.SUPERSTAR had this to say:: I SO feel for you. It is really honorable and noble what you are doing, it really is, but I totally feel for you.

I am sure you feel quite like I did when Ashton was so sick for a full year. He cried 24/7 and require CONSTANT attention, to the point that I almost resented him. You lose yourself and it sucks. I'm sorry!; January 19, 2007 at 2:17 PM